Since childhood, we have many sources that shape us. We learn “to behave” and “show up” in a certain way; “to appear good” or “be enough”. If we are angry, we are sent to our rooms, or when we are sad we’re advised to just forget about it. Whatever it is, most messages from childhood do not teach us to be ok with whatever forms our emotions may take. In due course, we become overly dependent on the dominant voices of others to feel that we are enough. Unfortunately, it does not lead to true well-being and high self-esteem. Because this, paradoxically, requires room for a variety of complex and deep emotions. The problem with trying to constantly perform and depend on other people’s opinions, is that it signals that we must change our internal states. Thus, we are highly likely to experience a form of internal disconnect. An incongruence between who we are and who we want to be and how we (unconsciously) choose to appear to others.
In turn, as adults in a relationship, we often do not know how and what to offer to others in the domain of emotions. We try to exercise a form of control, an attempt to constantly manage other people’s moods and emotional states. We do this to feel a sense of being OK. A sign that we are showing up as “good”. This urge comes from need that others be approving of how we show up so that we feel we are “enough” and are just as is expected. Only then we may experience a form of safety. When we are in this mindset it can affect our relationships, health, and overall wellbeing.
Having said that, I do not want to sound overly critical regarding the guidance we receive as children. It has a certain survival value and, in all likelihood, it helps us to live a wonderful life. However, sometimes it can also create much pressure and disconnection. Under this pressure, a lot of us do not learn to cultivate and welcome a variety of emotions. We erroneously believe that there isn’t room for emotions to be, as they are. In other words, it can take us some time to learn how to allow ourselves to feel many emotions and be OK with them. So many of us cannot accept the shortcomings of ourselves and even of others. We experience unsettling feelings and want to control or change others for our sake, to feel internally safe. But, it is emotional regulation that helps us to expand our minds and hearts. We may realise that surrendering to ourselves and
being curious about our fears, is the antidote to this constant anxiety. This can help release suffering from trying to control and the fear we have of emotions. Once we change our relationship with our emotions, we can nurture them. Old wisdom says, what we nurture grows. We will lose our demandingness towards only having the right feelings, constant performing, self-downing, and deep pain and embody that the human experience is much broader than that. This requires deep self-trust, respect, and confidence, and that we learn to listen deeply.
Emotional acceptance is an essential value and one should mindfully inculcate it. To love ourselves and others without any need to “perform” a certain way. It also teaches us to cultivate awareness and helps us to accept, nourish and heal ourselves when we need to.